A Long Obedience in the Same Direction

So, you ask, what is happening with the plans to bring Stu home?
Well, we obviously didn't meet our goal of a Christmas homecoming------but the work is being accomplished, one bit at a time.  There is now a sturdy roof, the walls are finished and painted, there are doors front and back.  We have only to install the wood laminate floors throughout, finish  the counters in the bathroom, install the sink and toilet, and do some finish work around the doors.  We, I say-----I should say Jerome, my intrepid Super Son (pictured is my Happy New Year card to him), and the men he has gathered to help him-----John Lingafelter,  Tim Kasdorf, Jim Chandler.   These guys have volunteered valuable time and skill, and there's no way to thank them enough.  I will leave the rewards to God, I know he'll bless them in ways I couldn't imagine.  Once the work on the cottage is completed, it will be time to move furniture in and set up house-----I have told my transition coordinater, Eileen, that when the floors are in, I think we can start ordering the equipment that will be needed for Stu's care.  I will also need to start interviewing caregivers for the help I'll be needing.  It will be  a big transition----I pray daily for strength and wisdom to navigate this next stage of the saga!


This morning I was reflecting on the on-again off-again struggle I have with a sense of urgency about the project.  December was a rough month for me because I was so sure that it should be done before the end of the year.  And I was absolutely wrong.  That was hard.  But I have to say, this recent wrestling match with God brought something into sharper focus for me.   Here's what I wrote this morning:


"Lately, it's occuring to me that good things take time to develop.   As I watch the skilled workmen do their jobs, I see that they have a deep respect for the principle of laying down a layer and giving it time to breathe and settle before adding the next layer.   The mud-and-tape professional who came in to work on the walls was very particular about conditions, drying time, etc.  He knew it doesn't pay to be in a hurry.  I myself took a page out of his book when I laid some vinyl tile in the bathroom.  I had to be scrupulous about removing all dirt and debris, and making sure the surface was level.


I can see that this time before Stu's homecoming is foundational----like a meticulous Craftsman, I see you clearing debris, smoothing the surface, preparing with great deliberation.  You know what you are building;  I can only guess.  I spent all last month pleading my case with You, frustrated by your timing, sure that it should go faster.  I am wrong.  (I use the present tense because I know myself to be still impatient by nature.  For now, thanks to You, the chastisement is fresh in my system.  Grateful for that!)"


To finish up here, I stole the title of this blog from Eugene Peterson----who wrote a book with this title that has been very refreshing reading for me recently.   So far, my favorite excerpt from that book is this one, from the chapter on Worship:  "Faith is not a precarious affair of chance escape from satanic assaults.  It is the solid, massive, secure experience of God, who keeps all evil from getting inside us, who guards our life, who guards us when we leave and when we return, who guards us now, who guards us always."

Until next time!


Sue

Wheelchair Dates:-)

Glad to be here!

No, it's not a sideways picture

Since before Christmas, Stu and I have been traveling twice a week to Medford for power wheelchair training classes at Providence Rehab.  Who knew there were such space age features in a power chair??  Sheesh!  The one they're building for Stu has bells and whistles I never would have imagined----especially a handy dandy switch that tilts the wheelchair all the way back to a full reclining position!  I know, it's almost unnerving, isn't it?  But it's a Godsend for Stu, who has lower spine pain that prevents him from being able to sit for long periods in a standard chair.  In the power chair, he is so much more comfortable.  And it has been wonderful to see him engage with his trainer, Leslie----finally, something that allows him some control after so many months of utter helplessness!  He is both encouraged and exhausted at the end of the hour lessons----it's hard work re-training your brain!  He has noticeable neglect on the left side.  Today, Leslie wanted him to read a sign on the way to the cafe in the hospital, and he could not recognize the words on the left until she pointed to them.  He tends to drift to the left, too, as he putters along (always at the slowest speed)   Leslie is P.A.T.I.E.N.T........extremely patient.  She waits for  information to sink in before she moves on to the next activity.  She is also funny, good humored, and upbeat.  Stu loves her.  It does my heart good to see him getting such good care.

For me, these "dates" take up the better part of the day.  I get there a full hour before the transportation arrives, so there is time to visit a little with Stu before getting him dressed and ready.  I bring jeans and a nice shirt, a hat, a warm scarf.  For at least this part of his day, he gets to look like a mensch.  No sweatclothes or hospital gowns allowed!  An hour before the appointment, the transportation arrives.  This has been a whole oddysey in itself, just getting familiar with the companies that provide this service.  I know all the drivers by name at this point: Steve, Paul, Rob, Russ, Crystal.......there are more, but you get the idea.  One driver was a pro-wrestler in his former life, broke his back while performing, and (long story short) gave his life to Jesus.  He was, against all odds and predictions, healed of his injuries, and he considers his work now a ministry.  It was fun talking to him.   One driver is a Disneyland fan----his vehicle has Mickey Mouse memorabilia everywhere in the cab.  I find myself enjoying them all.  During these rides, Stu sits quietly in the back of the van, in his wheelchair, which is secured with some heavy duty looking straps and metal fittings.  Sometimes I sit in the jumpseat near him, if the van has one,  and sometimes we hold hands.  It's a date, after all.

It takes at least six weeks to build a chair like the one that's been ordered for Stu.  But, miracle of miracles, we've been promised a loaner chair for the interim.  Not sure when it will be delivered, but soon, I'm told.  I won't say "Can't wait"-----since a lot of this saga has to do with waiting----but certainly it will be a grand thing when Stu has this kind of mobility.  (Just a little factoid----Leslie informed us that a couple of her clients who live as far away as Eagle Point actually travel to the Rehab Center by back roads in their power chairs.)  Wow-----the adventure continues!

Leslie helping him navigate the halls

Waiting for his appointment.  

Reflections on a Haiku

 This is for all of you facing a not-picture-perfect Christmas (I know you're out there!!  It's not just me!)

A few years ago,  a little haiku came to me as I was contemplating contentment

                            Contentment is my surfboard,

                                     Skimming turbulence;

                                             Exhilarating!!

Contentment, I think, usually conjures up images of a cow in a field, chewing its cud.  No worries.

But I find that it has a much more dynamic character, actually-----the character of Christ!

So this morning, when I awoke to a Christmas Eve with the same turbulence I've been facing since the end of March, I had to add a line to my haiku-----if contentment is my surfboard, discontent is my riptide:-(

Here's what I wrote in my journal:

12.24.11   Ugh.  I can hardly muster a "Good Morning".

                 But knowing that it's You I'm greeting , I feel some measure of relief.  I know You understand my heartbreak----better than I do!   I am sore at all the stress----mostly emotional----that seems to go with this season.   "Contentment is my surboard"  indeed.   As I reflect on it, it seems that I need to know well the character of contentment, and also how discontent enters.  I need to recognize and rebuke the discontent.  A powerful tool lately has been to rehearse the fruit of the Spirit:  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.   They are my Christmas ornaments this year!   And to realize that "Think on  these things" is not just an option, it's a necessity.

          I think of Stu, and I see that in him I face a confusing outer layer of discontent.  That's what he keeps showing me, and trying to get me to wrestle on that level.  I think he must know peace on some level, though.  His eyes reflect it, and sometimes he shares thoughts and prayers that show it. 

          As I pray for him once again this morning, I ask for connection with You, Lord, recognition and the relief that it brings.  I pray for a deep humility to engulf him and win the war for his soul.  I pray for the wisdom and courage to let go of him as I love him-----not really humanly possible, but You are the one who invented miracles:-)  In You, all things are possible!

          There, I feel better-----Once again, You have breathed life into me!     Amen

Merry Christmas, my friends!  There is reason to rejoice!  

Joy

 I've been thinking about the paradox of Joy for a long time.

My first brush with it was in 9th grade----my catholic high school had hosted a two day on-campus retreat for the students.  As my friend Janet and I walked home on the second day, we found ourselves contemplating the difference between happiness and joy.  "Happiness is temporary" we concluded, "but Joy is eternal"  Don't know if we used the word eternal, but we had hit on something.  Sometimes a 12-year-old can be pretty profound.  (We also discussed racial prejudice that day, a huge issue at the time, even though neither one of us knew a single black person in tame Ventura, California:-)  Still, we were on the right track.  "You know", Janet ruminated, "I think there are good black people and bad ones,  just like with white people.  You can't decide about someone based on their skin color".  Seriously, we were really on the way to solving the world's problems.  Unfortunately, puberty got in the way...........! 

Fast forward to the year 2000.  That's when this image of a Christmas tree, topped with Joy but woven through with the words of James 1:2-4, popped into my head.  Considering the events of the past year, it seems to me to be a very appropriate image for my Christmas greeting to you all!  Wish I could afford to send each and every one of you a handmade card, as I did that first year-----but the photo has some patches of light in it that don't appear on the original, and they make me think of Christmas lights.

Joy is a surprising (to us) byproduct of  suffering.   "For the joy set before him" it says of Jesus in Hebrews 12 as it describes his death.  C.S. Lewis titled his autobiography "Surprised by Joy" (put it on your reading list if you haven't already read it!)   And as I walk through my own little trial here, I can testify personally that I have never seen God's face so often and clearly----and that is a lasting joy, his greatest gift to me.  I guess that's what I want to end with, in this season of gift giving.  We have been given an incomparable gift already, by the Definer of all giving!  Praying that you all experience the joy!

Merry Christmas, Friends

from Sue and Stu

A Book of James kind of Thanksgiving.

Good thing I've read the book of James.

Otherwise I could not have endured Thanksgiving Day at a nursing home.

I was prepared for the general lack of hominess-----we've been enduring that for the past almost eight months.

I wasn't prepared for Richard.

He's Stu's new room-mate.

He arrived the night before, with a pile of smelly luggage.

Richard smells bad, looks bad, and acts horrible.

He seems to be in pain a lot, and groans loudly for long stretches of time.

"God, help me die!!!   Kill me, someone kill me"

When the pain subsides, he demands food or whatever else he needs without grace or consideration for the staff.

I find myself, for the umpteenth time, impressed by the self-control and patience displayed by the staff.  This is their Thanksgiving Day, too, and they are serving some distinctly unthankful people!   Neediness and pain are big trials for us all, and not everyone is considering it all joy:-)

We had already decided (wisely!) as a family to forego eating together at the nursing home.  Instead, Rachel and Jerome and the kids came to visit before the mid-day meal there.    Fortunately, I had thought to bring "How the Grinch Stole Christmas", and the kids didn't seem to notice Richard and his groaning.   


We all got to watch as Stu used the transfer pole to get into his wheelchair,  a definite sign of progress.    Then Stu and I said goodbye to the kids in the big dining room, (not without a few tears) and they headed home to cook Thanksgiving dinner for later while I stayed with Stu for the afternoon.  (I joined them later-----a sweet evening together that ended with hymn singing.  Are you surprised that our last selection was "It is Well With My Soul"?  Always a treat to hear Jerome's fine voice and Rachel's sweet alto singing timeless words.  And the kids pitch in even when they don't know the words)


There were a few thoughts that helped me get through this "not-the-way-I-would-write-the-script" day.  


I realized that there must be many, many people on this earth who were having a less-than-joyful day.   People in abusive situations; prisoners; people without family;  homeless, forgotten people.   My prayers for them were heartfelt!   I was experiencing a little of their disenfranchisement today.   I prayed that they could experience the comfort of having the Lord Jesus at their side.


I also thought about a hundred years from now.  How would I like to remember going through this difficulty?  Walking through it with faith, holding my head up cheerfully and encouraging those around me, as Jesus encourages me.  That sounded right.

Let me confess that this morning when I woke up, my heart was full of lament.
"God, why are you putting Stu and me through this trial?   What about Christmas??!!!  Ugggghhhh"
Is my heart that much different than Richard's?  
Not in it's raw state, it's not.  
Smelly luggage and all!   
God patiently deals with me every single day.  
And he has given me some words to live by, and the light to absorb them.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence.  Perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Apparently God's perspective is longer-ranging than mine:-)  He's aiming at eternity!   I can be truly grateful that he has taken me in hand, and shows no sign of letting go.  Now THAT'S Thanksgiving!

Christmas season, here we come!
 

The Schvesters Hit Grants Pass!

Stu's Sisters, Sandra and Brenda, traveled from Rhode Island (Sandra), and Colorado (Brenda) to see their brother this week.  What a blessing.   For those of you who don't use Facebook, (where I posted more of them) I thought I'd share some of the pictures I took while they were here.

I think they cheered him up:-)

Sandra, left, Brenda, on the right

Lily enjoyed the Aunts very much. 

As always, Lucas entertained us with his antics.  When he appeared in this get-up, we were all cracking up.  He's a ship's captain, FYI

Brenda and Shayna.

The Aunts were impressed with Shayna's reading ability.  Lucas has a ways to go----note the book in his hand.   Upside down.

Sheathing his sword-----a wooden one made by Stu for Becky many years ago----the R was for Rebecca AND Reepicheep:-)

Peace.....where are you?

Peace Rock

From my journal a few days ago:

 When I walked in, he was crumpled in his bed, his head small and buried in the pillows, his eyes huge behind his glasses.  He looked lost and a little mental.  He wore only a polo shirt and briefs-----no shorts.  He was covered by thin white hospital blankets.  "Hi, Sue" he said, in his abrupt, muffled voice.  Since the stroke, his voice has changed.

"Are you getting up for dinner?"  I ask

"No" he says

My heart sinks.

Something in me rises up in outrage, disappointment, fear.  I want to chastise  him, change his mind.

Something stronger, though, meets the flood of reaction and counsels me to hold my peace.

Peace......where is it?

My heart is so broken at the futility of his situation, all I can do is sit quietly and wait for the peace that has carried me through all the turbulence to re-surface.

It takes many minutes.

I am very quiet.

And then I start to weep, overwhelmed with sadness.

He is quiet, watching and waiting.

The tears are a wordless confession of my helplessness, and they speak volumes to him.

As I cry, I am relinquishing the bitter accusations, the assumption that he is "doing this wrong"

I am relaxing enough to consider that this may be exactly how he's supposed to go through this.

As I cry, I am admitting that, at the core, it is You, Lord, who is steering this situation, and if you are not revealing yourself to him in a way that looks familiar to me, it says more about my limited scope than anything.

The enemy attitude in my heart shrinks, loses its hold, slinks away.  I am left with......Peace.  There it is!

I look again at Stu.

We talk quietly to each other, I wish I could remember the words.

He has a gift for relating to me in my brokenness, it doesn't upset him.

In fact, it seems to bring out the best in him.

I tell him that although I dislike the circumstances, our relationship is so important to me that I push through them to stay connected.  He makes me say it again, he loves it so much.  I also tell him he is a good husband, and he makes me repeat that, too.  "I know you wouldn't say that if you didn't see it."  he said.  True.  I see it because of you, Lord.  You are my light.  Today I pray for as much of that light as you can allow me.  The times are dark, but you are not.

For a short space in time, we are Stu and Sue, transcending earthly travail and reaching up to touch your face together, Lord.  It's a promise from you.  Someday we will live forever in joy with you.  Until then, we keep the faith, each in his own Godgiven way.  And we speak the truth in love, one to another.