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Sunday, March 11, 2012

The Dark Side

After Friday's optimistic post, it seems only right to report on the dark forces I've been facing----ironically, much of it has hit right after that post!  I am not superstitious, but it is kinda uncanny.

While Stu was in the nursing home, there was often a nebulous anxiety that would attack him, making him fretful and needy.  Also some kind of pain in his bottom that made it excruciating for him to sit in his wheelchair for any length of time.

My hope was that with a fresh atmosphere and a state of the art wheelchair, these obstacles would lose their grip on him----or at least we could make some kind of progress.

Last night I had to seriously wonder if that will be the case.  All the old nursing home symptoms came at me in full force, making the night sleepless and stressful.  I realized how different our perspectives were----to me, this is a place of recovery and rehabilitation.  To Stu, it is (according to his behavior) a place to be catered to.  He does not want to take responsibility for his needs----he wants to be waited on.   Big sigh------that is not going to fly, I'm afraid.   After consultations with some trusted counselors, I have made the boundaries clear to him.  It's also something I'm alerting my caregivers about-----kind of an interesting byproduct of this whole adventure.  There are five caregivers in all, and if nothing else, they will be getting an education on the difference between caring and co-dependence:-) 

Souls are mysterious.  Sometimes you have to watch someone you love walk right into an abyss, and you are powerless to prevent it.  I would wager that many of you reading this have your own heartbreak along these lines.   How are we to bear this, I wonder?   It seems to me that with each heartbreak that comes my way, my best response is to accept it, let it hurt, let God carry me through it.  "Thy will be done" says the Lord's Prayer.  It's what Jesus said in the Garden before his crucifixion.  It's the only sane way to walk through life.  "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me, thy rod and thy staff they comfort me."

We are at a crisis here in the Cottage-----we will see which way the road turns.   I'm grateful for all of you who read my posts, who travel this road with me.  I will keep you posted.



  1. Sue, it was so good to visit with you this afternoon. Thank you for the reminder that all we can do is lean in to God, let it hurt and go where He leads. I need to be reminded minute by minute. You are proof that it can be done. I am encouraged to let go, once again, and stop my power struggle with God. Love you, Sister.

  2. Sue: My thoughts and prayers are with you and Stu every day.
    Despite his disabilities, Stu doesn't yet realize how fortunate he really is. I only hope he gets it pretty soon. I'll be in touch Sunday. Love you.