Appalachian (or should I say Oregonian?) Spring

This year, to date, has been one for the records.(and we aren't even through February!)  You might even call it a comprehensive exam, with situations that forced me to review every lesson I've learned with God so far, putting them to practical use on a daily basis.  Terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.  I think it all picked up steam after I settled on the word "Yes" as my word for the year to contemplate.  And no, I don't think that's what brought on all this testing......it's more like it was the opening theme in a piece of music that had already been composed.  If you've ever heard "Appalachian Spring" by Aaron Copland,  the opening 4 minutes sound to me like that "Yes"----and the incredibly active, energetic, explosive, and sometimes mysterious music that follows sounds like the score for this next period in my life!  (strangely, the link I found on YouTube was downloaded on March 26, 2011.  The date of Stu's stroke)  That piece also weaves an old Shaker hymn called "Simple Gifts" into the main theme-----I love how art can describe life so beautifully.  

In early January, I noticed that my big pizza oven in the bakery was not heating very well.  I called a repairman who had worked on some of my home appliances and asked if he worked on commercial equipment.  He said he'd take a look.
Well. I wish he had admitted that he didn't know how to fix my ovens.  He guessed and experimented and pushed and pulled and bluffed, and ended up breaking an expensive part-----and then didn't know how to go about fixing it, couldn't find the serial number, etc. etc.  He said he would call me back......but he never did. *


Great.  Now I have no big ovens, and am worried that they are so old I can't find parts!

Because it is my slow time of the year,  I didn't have big orders to fill, and I was able to take care of what was coming in using my small kitchen range.  But I needed to figure out what I would do for Grower's Market.  Should I even go back to Grower's Market?  Should I finally throw in the towel (or potholder) and seek some other line of employment?  Should I replace the ovens?  Where would the money come from?  And while I was evaluating the state of my equipment, did it really make sense to continue using the Mickey Mouse propane setup we had inherited when we bought the equipment?  

Really, I could hardly think about it because my daughter Rachel was due to give birth ANY MINUTE! 

Right here is where it's  very easy to fall into prolonged scenario building, frantic opinion seeking, or downright panic.  But I have learned a few things.  (My daughter Becky once described the process as "Stop, drop, and pray." ) Taking a deep breath and slowing down enough to hear the Father's perspective opens up windows and doorways you didn't even know were there.......and even if you have to wait for a while (I did), you can rest easy, knowing that He's got things covered.  Well, at least you're pretty sure he does.  You can't prove it.  You have to rehearse what He's already done, what his character is, and screen out all the static and anxiety that so wants to take over your entire being!  I'm not saying it's easy, I'm just saying it's possible.  And God helps us do it.

So, Justus Sterling Boettner arrived on January 14. (check out my post from Jan. 15 if you missed it)

Whew, now I could think about what to do.

Aaaargh.

I decided to call a different repairman, one who specializes in commercial equipment,  and ask his opinion about locating parts for my ovens. 

Night and day experience----the guy was clear, positive, and no-nonsense.  Yup, I could order parts.  He was able to tell me over the phone where the model number was.  Yup, it would be a good idea to switch to natural gas.  Yup, he knew a plumber that he would recommend for doing the gas plumbing.  By this time, I had mulled over the possibility of replacing my big ovens, and any way I looked at it, it would cost a big chunk of my savings.  I decided to take a chance on the ovens I already have.  I decided that somehow it was worth it to continue the bakery, even though I had no idea how I would build it the way it needed to be built.  I knew I was in need of help......big help.....and I had no idea where it would come from.  But I was getting a green light to move forward with this improvement.  I hired the plumber and the ball began to roll.

Well.

A couple of days after Justus was born, the pipes in my breezeway froze and then burst, spewing water.  I had to call Jerome (Rachel's husband) to find out how to shut off the water!  When he heard what was wrong, he gallantly offered to come over and take care of it for me (not something I would have asked, considering he was still adjusting to his newborn son, and he lives in Rogue River.).   Once it was fixed, though, we sat on stools in the bakery and had one of those special chats you sometimes have with people you love.  Just comparing notes on all the changes in our lives, confessing our bewilderment at some of the dangling question marks, reminding each other what we know about God.  I love that I can  go there with my son-in-law.

A few days later, I got a call from Jerome, asking if we could have a talk.
When I sat down with Jerome and Rachel the next day,  Jerome cleared his throat and asked me what I would think of him coming alongside me in the bakery and learning the business.  He and Rachel had already talked it over.....she was on board!  What did I think?

Well, I think it's an answer to prayer.
And I think it's scary and risky.
And I think it's going to be glorious and hard and challenging and eye-opening
And I think it's going to be.....fun!

I think it sounds like that music I love by Copland.

I was compelled to say "Yes"!

We are blessed to have some key people to advise us on how to make this transition, and as I said to the kids as I was leaving that day "You know what we're really agreeing, don't you?  We're agreeing that we want to be praying ALL THE TIME,  because that's the only way we'll be able to navigate it all."  And you know what?  That made us all happy :-)

P.S.  By the way, after a three week wait, which seemed like an eternity, the parts for the oven came in, and on Friday I baked my first bagels in the newly functioning bottom oven.  Only two weeks away from the opening day of Grower's Market.  Whew......just in time!
Now we're cooking with gas!  In more ways than one :-)
The saga continues!  I will keep you updated on our progress as we go along.

Until next time,

Sue

*( I have since contacted his company and told them my story.  They said he would contact me.  He hasn't.  They haven't compensated me for the part......but at least they know what he did.)

Valentine Prayer

"Marriage is hard.  Stay married anyway" Christy Ann Coats (click the link for her very poignant thoughts, esp. regarding her grandparents.)
Well, I couldn't have said it better myself.
It's what I thought as I left the nursing home last night.
The notice on the door didn't help----I can't remember the wording, but it was a warning that
there are quite a few residents who are down with the flu, and the main thought was, "Enter at your own risk!"
Well, marriage is a little like that, isn't it?  Enter at your own risk?  Who knows what you're going to encounter?!
I had just been down for a week with the flu myself, so I was cautious----I actually requested that Stu meet me at the door so I could take him across to NewSong church for the Wednesday bible study. 
Bible study was warm and thought provoking----Stu has gotten much more relaxed over the past few months, and actually had questions to ask, and a few observations.  The group is welcoming and kind, and Wednesdays are a bright spot in the week for us.
But as I walked back across the parking lot with Stu in his wheelchair, I had to decide whether or not to enter that building, with all its risks.  Somehow, it was better to go all the way in, walk down the corridor with him, navigate the turn into his room, watch as the caregivers hooked up the sling under him and hoyered him out of the wheelchair and back into his bed.
Not exactly a Hallmark moment.
Or is it?
Before I left, Stu said he had made a valentine for me

 It says "It's not would you, could you, will you, or might you......it's you ARE my Valentine.  Love and Faith
          Stu  (not sure about the numbers at the end----I'll have to ask him what he was thinking)

What strikes me in this little episode is what has become evident as the theme of our particular marriage-----it's such an unfathomable mix of devotion, separation, despair, joy, slogging, soaring.  The main thing is, despite our personal failings, we are still a couple.  That is only by God's grace-----I am quite convinced that there is no program or checklist that guarantees the survival of a marriage.  I count among my dearest friends people whose marriages did not survive.  I have no trouble understanding-----it is a pure miracle, in my opinion, when two people can somehow agree that "Marriage is hard.  Stay married anyway"

My prayer this Valentine's Day evening is that the grace of God, which passes all understanding, fills your heart and strengthens you to withstand whatever challenge you face.  Whatever risky corridor looms in your life, may you know the One who walks before, beside, and behind you, hemming you in with LOVE.

Until next time!

Sue

Birth

Yesterday, at 4:26 a.m., my newest grandson was born.

Justus Sterling Boettner is my fifth grandchild, and I have been privileged to be present at the birth of all five.
I wonder if I can capture here what struck me as I watched my daughter labor to bring forth this new child.
I can try, anyway.
Rachel has birthed three other babies-----she is, at this point, a skilled laborer :-)
I watched as the contractions pressed in on her, puckering her face with concentration and discomfort.
I could not help but think about the circumstances in our lives, how we carry a great unborn hope that requires all our attention.  We know there is a great good to be born, but we travail.

As the pressure increased, Rachel knew from experience that resisting and tensing up slows the labor.   But there must be a response, a cry-----as I watched her relax into her task, my heart cheered as I heard her tune her cries to a note of music!  What note was that, I wondered?----it made a hard thing beautiful.  She sang the baby into this world!

  "Come thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy praise"  The old hymn comes to mind as I process God's beautiful message-----maybe Rachel was singing in the key of "Yes".   And through Christ I answer back "Amen and Hallelujah!"

How Great Thou Art!

Radical Selflessness

This morning, as I contemplated what it would require to take the next step---leap, really----into more active service to God, a phrase popped into my head.  I would need "the radical selflessness of Christ".  Yikes!  That is at once an exhilharating and terrifying thought.  Every self-protective cell in my body,( you know,  those dark cells that crave the familiar and  are threatened by  light),  screams in protest.  But the God part of me, the part he planted and is cultivating-----that part starts cheering.  Yes! 

May the yes-ing continue!

More on Yes

So, now that I've opened up the "yes" box, I am noticing what an irritating word it is.

I guess that's why I picked it.  It goads me.  How do I apply it?  Do I say yes to discipline and no to abandon?  Or the other way around?  Do I switch off?   Where are the directions on this box, anyway?

Irritating......but valuable.  I know that.  I've misused my yes, squandered it, hoarded it, argued with it.

I think the reason I chose it this year is that I sense its value, and I sense there's a way to use it as it was intended.

When Eve said yes to the tempter, and Adam said yes to Eve, they started the whole downward spiral, didn't they?

Back to my verse from the last post about "Yes in Christ".  In Him, yes is sanctified, put back in its proper place.  So, I guess that answers my question for today-----the directions for using yes come from Christ.  He demonstrates it.  Shows us how it's properly applied-----"I only do what the Father says", he told his disciples.  I want to learn that kind of agreement. 

My One Word

This post has been brewing in my mind for weeks.  Sometimes it's hard to get the thoughts into a cohesive mass-----I suppose, baker that I am, I've been mixing and kneading and proofing these thoughts.

This post will center less on Stu and what's happening with him----if you're looking for an update, this isn't it.  This is more a contemplation of my own direction in life----which, of course, has been greatly impacted by this "Stroke of Genius".  It is, by now, a new norm for me to be separated from Stu.  The initial shock and grief have been processed, to a livable degree, at least.  I've always depended on God to make the big moves for me----and always I am surprised at the way He does it!

So, the other day I was inspired to sit next to my friend Lori at church, and she shared something that got me thinking----maybe it will do the same for you.  She told me about a book called "My One Word", also a website http://myoneword.org  in which you choose one word to contemplate for the year.  Seriously, right up my alley!   All the way home, I was brainstorming words:  ENERGIZE.......HATCH.......OPEN.....GENEROUS........FEARLESS.......EMERGE........TRUST....COMMUNITY

By the time I got home and was able to check out the website, the pump was already primed.  Living water was circulating!   I knew that just the experience of asking for a word for the year was a gift.   ASK.....was that it?

For a person like me who revels in words, narrowing it down to just one is a worthy discipline.  WORTH?  DISCIPLINE?   No, the bell was still not ringing.

I went to my journal, refreshing my memory about what has been stirring in my soul.  REFRESH?   FRESH?  Nope.  (Are you laughing yet?  I am.....LAUGH?  No... LOL....o.k., back to the subject)

Here is what I found.  And I share it with you because, really, my journey is your journey too.  We are fellow travelers.
         "As I reflect on the past few years, one theme that emerges is "strengthening".  Everything that has happened  has systematically removed old crutches and idols, and replaced them with living faith.  Slowly but surely, my old, rocky acreage is being transformed.  Hiding underneath many of those "rocks" has been a core of shame (sometimes shame is so shameful you're ashamed to recognize it for what it is!).  I can see it quite clearly right now, as if there are two of me.....one who stands safe and sure in your love, Lord, and one who is hurt and damaged and identifies with the shame.  Flinches at the implication of worthlessness.  So many years I spent, living in the shadow of Stu's complexity.  I unconsciously preferred that to trusting You, Lord.  I could not have even known what trust looked like if You had not taken me by the hand.
      Now I am experiencing a different "covering", and under it I am hearing a different message----or maybe it's that my ears are not as plugged, and I can hear more clearly a Voice that has been calling me all along.  As I think it through, I can see that I am only scratching the surface of this issue----but even so, my chest is expanding with new air.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I come back again to the foundational stone that is being firmly established----that I am your workmanship,  not dependent on the approval of men, holy and blameless in  your sight, beloved, considered precious enough to die for.  In other words, my soul has great worth in Your eyes, not because of my good works or my connection to any other person.  My worth has everything to do with my connection to You, which you have been strengthening.  And out of that amazing relationship comes a joyful outpouring of love and concern for my fellow travelers! May that grow ever stronger in me, Lord.  All of my scribblings here are efforts to describe and rehearse that one truth"
      When I consider what it is that strengthens me, I can see that it is Your Word.  "There is no room in love for fear.  Well-formed love banishes fear" 1 John, 4:17, the Message.  I find my heart crying out "I want to be sane!"  That is my one request.  All around me are forces, dark ones that  I don't understand, compelling forces-----and often I feel an answering force within me that agrees with those dark forces.  Resisting those dark forces is the holiest thing I do.  But there is no way to resist in my own strength.  My greatest asset is my "YES", and I say it now to You, Lord.  Exclusively and with all my will, I say Yes, Lord.  Thy will be done.  Now and forever" (end of journal entry)

"Whatever God has promised gets stamped with the Yes of Jesus.  In him, this is what we preach and pray: the great Amen, God's Yes and our Yes together; gloriously evident.  God affirms us, making us a sure thing in Christ, putting his Yes within us.  By his spirit he has stamped us with his eternal pledge----a sure beginning of what he has destined to complete"  2 Cor. 1:20-22, The Message

There is more in the journal----much more.  But this is already a long read, and I have brought you to my word for the year.  It is "YES".  I look forward to exploring its implications and power in future posts.
For now, my bakery is calling my name----and I think I must say "YES" to it!

Until next time!

Sue

Paradox

Pen and ink sketch, by Stu Mendelson

Quite a few years ago, Stu and I  chose this image and quote for our yearly holiday greeting.   Not what you might expect in your mailbox----we commented even then that you don't usually get a picture of a guy wading through the sewers of Paris carrying an injured man on his back as a Christmas card.  But you know, as the years have unfolded, the thought expressed here resonates.  In light of Stu's stroke, it is even more poignant.  So I share it with you this season, by Stu's request.

I'm grateful for this blog, where I jot down all the ups and downs of our story as we go along-------this holiday season, for me,  has been full of baking and gift-making and celebrating with friends and family.   At the same time, I am never far from remembering the paradoxical truth, that there is light to be found, even in dark places.  I recently received this reminder from a writer I admire, David Roper, (it was actually written by his wife, Carolyn.  Both of them have been an encouragement to me through their writing)  and I pass it along to you here:

Carolyn wrote this as one of her "Morning by Morning" meditations. Thought you'd appreciate it…

Morning by Morning

12.14.12

An Exceptionally Good Christmas

"I think we're going to have an exceptionally good Christmas."

If I had written these words I would probably have been thinking that our family would all be together for a white Christmas. I would probably imagine that well ahead of time all the cards had been mailed, all the preparations made and everything would be "just so." We would have a brightly lit tree and lovely red and green decorations, filling my heart with good memories. There would be the just-right presents to bring delight and joy to each one. There would be singing and laughing, playing games and a festive meal, with everyone decked out in their Christmas finery and caring for one another.  And I would find a fresh way to present the Christmas story at just the right time, which would be meaningful to all. There would be no worries, no loneliness, no health issues, no one missing from our family circle, either spacially or emotionally. At our house Evie would be singing "Come On Ring Those Bells" to welcome everyone in!

"I think we're going to have an exceptionally good Christmas."

Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote those words to his fiancée while he was isolated in a dark, cruel Germany prison as World War 2 was raging. He went on to explain:

"The very fact that every outward circumstance precludes our making provision for it will show whether we can be content with what is truly essential. I used to be very fond of thinking up and buying presents, but now that we have nothing to give, the gift God gave us in the birth of Christ will seem all the more glorious, the emptier our hands, the better we understand what Luther meant by his dying words: "We're beggars: it's true." The poorer our quarters, the more clearly we perceive that our hearts should be Christ's home on earth."

Letter to fiancée Maria von Wedemeyer, December 1, 1943

Because of God's priceless gift of His Son, may each of us have an exceptionally good Christmas, content with what is truly essential. Content whatever our Christmas looks like this year.

Blessings,

Carolyn Roper

The selection from Bonhoeffer comes from the work, God Is in the Manger: Reflections on Advent and Christmas; compiled by Jana Riess.

Finally, friends, just to complete the paradoxical theme, I include this fun photo of Stu

May your Christmas season be full of the joy that Christ brings!