Hope

Greetings all
          Wow, it's been a while since I blogged.  It's not that there's nothing to report, it's just that it's all so open ended.  No nice neat conclusions-----at least not yet.
          Stu is still at Laurel Hill Nursing Facility.  There have been a few breakthroughs in his therapy----Tex got him standing up a few days ago (with lots of assistance), and has also been using electrical stimulation for his left hand and arm----but nothing major, really.
            And last time I wrote, we were feeling good about the idea of buying this property from our longtime landlord.  Unfortunately, after that writing I was contacted by the landlady and told that they had been advised not to sell after all (both their attorney and their CPA advised against it because of the current poor market)   They have no objection to us making improvements to accomodate Stu, at our own expense.  The only reason this seems like an option is that moving would be even more expensive in the long run, and I would no longer have the bakery.   But if we got a clear signal that there was a sensible place to move, I would not object.  As always, only God knows how this will all play out----in the meantime, the daily exercise of keeping the faith keeps me on my toes!   (See what I mean about no nice neat conclusions?!)

Which brings me to TODAY:  Today, we went to the Josephine County Fair, the first time Stu has been out of the facility since June!  Laurel Hill offers this option to any resident who wants to go, arranges the transportation, wrestles with wheelchairs and transport schedules----God bless them!    Let me tell you, there were skeptics when it was first suggested that Stu might go-----after all, he complains about sitting up in his wheelchair after only an hour----how would he withstand the at least four hours for this adventure?   Somehow, though, he and I both kept thinking we should follow through with it.   So, this morning at 9:15 I was there with a lunch packed and a baseball hat for Stu.   As I walked in the door I was greeted with a lineup of residents in their wheelchairs extending down the main corridor.  Why does that make me smile?  The smell of sunscreen was thick in the air, and there were some flamboyant hats on unexpected heads-----who knew that Lori even owned something that big and floppy?   And Shirley actually looked cute in her sweet little straw hat.
                We had to wait a while due to a mixup in communications about the bus schedule, but by 10:15 they were loading the wheelchairs one by one into the vehicle.  Stu was the last one on, riding in the back of the bus.  He was very sober----I thought about how long it's been since he's seen the streets of Grants Pass, and let the pang hurt my heart for just a minute.  I knew this trip would have it's share of moments like this, and the best way to deal with it is to acknowledge it briefly and let it pass. 

it's a hosta leaf----I just like it.

Once we got through the gates, it was agreed that we would all go our own way and meet up at lunchtime, and Stu and I made our way to the Flower Building.  Nice way to start-----quiet, restful, cool, and sometimes spectacular.  We worked our way through several buildings, marveling at giant cabbages, impressive sunflowers, not so impressive zucchini (come on, those baseball bats are the ones we all don't want to see in the garden, let alone on a paper plate at the fair!) 
           We passed the arena with the dogs dressed in strange costumes (?), and wound up in the cow barn.  It was quiet and peaceful in there, and there was a bench where I could sit for a while.  It was time to hear what was going on in Stu's heart.  "I'm in a wheelchair!"  he admitted, almost surprised.   I knew something had been bothering him.  At Laurel Hill, everyone's in a wheelchair.  Out here, it's an adjustment.  "Yes, you are" I agreed with him.  Ever since we started reading the book of Job, I've been struck with how easy it is to miss the person as you struggle to explain his condition.  Better to just walk alongside and share the moment, I think.  That morning I had heard something on the radio about "leaning into grief", and I thought now what a good way that is to put it.  Let it do its work.  I prayed for Stu as we sat together, munching on the chicken salad and cornbread I had brought.  The cows in the nearby stalls were large and passive, just....... there.  They seemed like fitting companions.   
              When we got back to Laurel Hill, both of us tired but content, I could see how happy Stu's aide was that he had actually done it.  "When they first told me he was going, I almost had a stroke!" she quipped.  "How was it, Stu?"  "It was nice" he smiled. "I had a good time".  And you know, he did.  Sometimes, facing your fears is the best medicine of all.
              As I got in the car to go home, the song on the radio brought tears to my eyes----"Dancing in the Minefield" by Andrew Peterson.  It was on the last verse:
"We bear the light of the Son of Man
So there's nothing left to fear.
So I'll walk with you in the shadow lands
Till the shadows disappear.
Cause He promised not to leave us
And His promises are true
So in the face of all this chaos, Baby, I can dance with you.
So, let's go dancing in the minefield
let's go sailing in the storm
let's go dancing in the minefields
And kicking down the door.
Let's go dancing in the minefields
and sailing in the storm
This is harder than we dreamed but I believe
That's what the promise is for.........
       That's what the promise is for."


Still dancing with Stu, even after a stroke------whatever comes, we are blessed beyond measure.


Until next time


Sue
           

Light in the Darkness

I knew I would wake up again tonight.   It happens every night now, this falling asleep for a  short time and then waking up.  In my natural self I have been dreading and resisting it, fretting that it was unhealthy and that I would somehow lose perspective.   But this weekend’s meltdown taught me something.  (I went over the line (briefly) between healthy compassion for Stu and co-dependence, enough to feel the heat.  It refreshed my memory about the huge difference between pressure from God and pressure from hell.)  And you know what?  This pressure that I feel each night now is something to yield to.  As I say “yes”, whole passages of scripture leap into full color, even brighter in the face of the darkness and emptiness of my circumstances.  I ache so deeply.  And there is an answering comfort to the ache, a Person who meets me.  He promises no remedy, at least nothing particular and earthy.   No resolution of the dilemma that shouts its facts at me daily.  But He does answer------he seems to be urging me to consider an answer that is intangible.  There is an assurance that accepting what He offers will actually satisfy on a much deeper level than a mere fixing of the physical reality.  He is offering healing.    I believe, Lord.  Help Thou my unbelief. 

         I step outside to the midnight stillness.  My property is a refuge, the stars like a living, breathing canopy assuring me of His presence and providence.  I am profoundly safe with Him, even in this darkness.  As I walk through the days,  I am profoundly alone with Him.  Again, I sense the pressing to accept the aloneness as a gift, to trust that He is steering this experience masterfully,  that there is a difference between willful isolation and this setting apart.  Isolation would be me trying to preserve myself-----this is something different, a yielding to His design.   My heart is filled with wonder and lightness-----I am the woman at the well, and he is giving me Living Water.   Whether I sleep tonight or not, I am refreshed.

A Kleenex Kind of Lunch

We are in the dining room at Laurel Hill, a large room with wood floors and enough tables for all the residents and any guests who show up.  It is lunchtime, and our daughter Becky is here for the first time-----she and her husband Matt live in Eugene, and are visiting this weekend.   They both look so young and healthy, a refreshing but slightly jarring contrast to the assortment of broken, aging bodies in wheelchairs at the tables.  Becky is in her seventh month of pregnancy, beautiful in a summery dress.  I am watching Stu carefully as he eats, making sure he puts his fork down between bites, reminding him to wipe the left corner of his mouth,  listening as he tells me about what's on his mind-----I look up to see Becky reaching for her kleenex.   Suddenly I realize how different life is, and how much I've adjusted.   I see the scene through my daughter's eyes, and I stop for a minute and let it hit me.  I reach for the kleenex, too.  It's good to have someone to cry with.

Before long the rest of the clan arrives as planned-----first Shayna, eager to see Zaydie, followed by Lucas who is fascinated by Uncle Matt.  Rachel is right behind them, and Jerome is in the van looking for Lily's shoe.   In a few minutes he shows up with a barefoot Lily-----oh well.....(grin).    We are all together around the table, and Stu is encouraged to see everyone.   He starts to tell them all about how this experience has made him realize how much he loves me, and begins to cry himself.   It seems to be a kleenex kind of lunch!   I tell the kids how encouraged I've been that Dad is starting to show that kind of emotion.  And it makes me marvel at the elasticity of our marriage-----truly for better or for worse!

Finally it is time for Stu to be put back to bed in his room (this still requires a Hoyer lift, as he is still unable to sit up reliably by himself.)   When the attendants give us the all clear, the nine of us congregate in Stu's room for a final goodbye.   Stu requests a family prayer, and we take some time to lift him up, thanking God for the progress that's been made and the faith that is being forged.   And then we sing: "Praise God from Whom all blessings flow!  Praise Him all creatures here below!  Praise Him above ye heavenly host!  Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!   Amen"   How I love that simple doxology-----it says it all!

the kid's table in the barn, surrounded by Stu's art

a handmade card from a young guest

my funky ladder decoration

They're taking notes for twenty years from now:-)

We celebrated that evening with a baby shower for Becky-----she is due in mid September.    Couldn't resist sharing some pictures from that lovely evening-----we even needed some kleenex during that!  But not too much, and there was plenty of laughter to balance it out:-)

Until next time

Sue

Nose to pupik

 Just wanted to share a short video of Stu's physical therapist, Tex, working with him.   Pupik (pipik?) is Yiddish for bellybutton.   Stu's ending comment is so......Stu!   Enjoy!  If this link doesn't seem to work properly (I had trouble myself!) just try this youtube link:http:Nose to Pupik

Unless the Lord Builds the House.........

Greetings, All!
             I've been holding off on reporting anything until I had a better feel for what's coming up next.  Lots of possibilities in the works, but no firm plans yet.  Still, it seems to be time for another update.

             First of all, last night Stu showed me something new------he is able to move his left leg!  The muscles are, of course, very weak, but his PT guy, Tex, has been working with him steadily and he is making progress.  It will still be a while before he can put any weight on that leg, but it's good to see it starting to come back to life.   Also, the feeding tube has not had to be used in several weeks, and there is discussion about removing it.  Yay!!  Stu is able to be at all three meals, in his wheelchair, another encouraging sign.  Most encouraging of all to me is the steady stabilizing of his spirits------he has down days, of course (who wouldn't), but we have had many wonderful conversations, full of hope and good cheer.  I spend the dinner hour with him most days, often on the patio outside-----sometimes I bring him a homecooked meal, sometimes we both eat whatever's on the menu at Laurel Hill.  Then we take a turn around the patio, sometimes venturing into the parking lot.  The routine is stabilizing for both of us!

             Now about the plan to bring him home......   The long range plan is to remodel Stu's old leather shop, making the bathroom and entrances wheelchair accessible, and making the space workable for both him and me to live in.  Our daughter Rachel and her husband Jerome would live in the main house with the grandkids, (a welcome change for me from living alone on these six unruly acres.)  All this would involve a great deal of remodeling----I have been making sarcastic jokes about dynamiting the whole house and starting from scratch for years now.      I like the way Jerome's eyes light up at the thought of farming this property-----maybe he will be able to bring my long-held dream to life!  I have always pictured this place as a working farm, with my little bakery right at the heart of it. 
             With this vision in mind, Jerome, Rachel and I sat down last week with my landlady of fifteen years and talked turkey.  She and her husband are amenable to the idea of a lease/purchase.  This is new!  The combination of our situation and the lagging economy has opened this door.  She is consulting an attorney about the best way to proceed, but it looks good.  The next day I met with the transition coordinator from Senior and Disablity Services about the remodel in the shop.  She came out and looked at the space, and was able to advise me on what would be needed and what kind of help we could get.  She assured me that Medicaid will help with equipment needed and caregivers.   There is also some help available with the remodeling-----but there has been an offer from my church to make the remodel a church project.   Wow.  Wouldn't that be a glory?   We will see how it all pans out, Stu and I are right in the middle of an amazing story!   Truly, God's Stroke of Genius!   If any of you has skill or materials that you would like to contribute, let me know.   On Thursday, after talking over all the work that needs to be done with a contractor, I found myself discouraged and overwhelmed by the project.  "How will it all be accomplished??   There's too much, it's never going to happen"  (this is my default mode, by the way-----I'm sure I'm not alone!)   It didn't take but a few minutes for this scripture to come to mind, though:  "Unless the Lord builds the house, he labors in vain who builds it"  Psalm 127.   It occurred to me that if God wants this work done, it will certainly be done----and if He doesn't, no amount of scheming or fretting on my part will bring it about.   He gave me that verse many years ago, and I have found it to be true on many levels.   Not just our earthly houses but our spiritual, eternal houses are planned and built by Him.  He knows what He's doing, and it's sometimes a surprise----but always so much better that my own limited imagination!
            Finally, my little bakery is finding it's feet after three months of limbo.  There were some hard weeks when I slowly had to face that I wouldn't be returning to Grower's Market in the foreseeable future.  Heavens!  I have not had a summer off in 29 years!   It's a little like standing in a cage with the door open-----is it really all right to step outside?  I'm finding that it is!   I am receiving private orders that I fill as they come in.  I have several accounts that keep me busy: The Human Bean, Grants Pass Pharmacy, Rogue Express, and Goin Rogue all carry cookies or scones.  And I had a Bakery/Barn/Art Sale last week here on the property and reconnected with customers, sold off some no longer needed items, and totally forgot to put out Stu's art!  Ha!  Guess I'll have to do it again to get that one right.  This week and next I'm preparing for our daughter Becky's baby shower-----our first grandchild from Matt and Becky is due in September, a little girl.  Hooray!  I am already calling her Scout (if you haven't read "To Kill a Mockingbird", you won't get it)   And there has been a constant string of birthdays, graduations, and celebrations of all kinds to keep me busy making cakes and party food.    Somehow it's all good----even Stu's current condition.  Last night, during our weekly reading of Job (truly a godsend for all of us every week, by the way),  Stu commented  "I am so encouraged by what we've said here tonight that I'm actually looking forward to being alone tonight with God after you leave!  This has reminded me that I really know him, and He loves me!  God is so good!"   Just another example of how the Lord builds the house-----from the ground up.  And He builds to last.   Can't wait to live the next chapter of this story-----I'll keep ya posted!

Monday nights with Job (and Stu)

Job Rock

 

We are gathered in Stu's room tonight, the three of us: Ruth, Nancy, and myself.  Stu is in his bed, right foot keeping up a steady beat-----maybe to make up for his lifeless left side.  We are reading the fourth chapter of the book of Job together, and it strikes me that there are three of us-----just as Job had three friends.   Tonight we are hearing what Job's "friend" Eliphaz has to share with him.  Nancy nails it "He's kicking him when he's down!"  Makes me reflect how easy that is to do.  I'm sure Eliphaz thought he was being helpful.   

We feel the atmosphere in the room-----we hear the sounds:  Suzie down the hall, moaning again.   Stu comments:  "She does that every night".   Beeps, hums, footsteps.  We notice (in spite of how quiet he is) the roomate at the other end of the room, Dave.  He doesn't make a sound, but his eyes are wide open.  He is listening.   And we just keep reading, commenting, listening to each other.   Laughing. 

God is in the room with us.  His presence warms and charges the atmosphere.  We are safe, and we are worshiping him with this simple gathering.

Ruth reminds Stu that God strengthens us when we call out to him.  

Stu prays "Oh, Lord Jesus, I pray that you strengthen me to remember what we've said when these three women leave and I'm all alone for hours and hours. "   We can feel the ache in his heart as he prays-----and we know that the One he prays to will answer him.

We are his friends, and maybe we've learned something from the mistakes of Job's friends.  Hope so.    

Stu tells us that we must each kiss him on the forehead before we go.  So we do, and I sneak in an extra one.  

On the way out I say goodnight to Dave.  His eyes are still wide open.  I wonder what he's thinking. 

Father's Day at Laurel Hill

Stu, our elder daughter Rachel, and our granddaughter Shayna, 5