More on Yes

So, now that I've opened up the "yes" box, I am noticing what an irritating word it is.

I guess that's why I picked it.  It goads me.  How do I apply it?  Do I say yes to discipline and no to abandon?  Or the other way around?  Do I switch off?   Where are the directions on this box, anyway?

Irritating......but valuable.  I know that.  I've misused my yes, squandered it, hoarded it, argued with it.

I think the reason I chose it this year is that I sense its value, and I sense there's a way to use it as it was intended.

When Eve said yes to the tempter, and Adam said yes to Eve, they started the whole downward spiral, didn't they?

Back to my verse from the last post about "Yes in Christ".  In Him, yes is sanctified, put back in its proper place.  So, I guess that answers my question for today-----the directions for using yes come from Christ.  He demonstrates it.  Shows us how it's properly applied-----"I only do what the Father says", he told his disciples.  I want to learn that kind of agreement. 

My One Word

This post has been brewing in my mind for weeks.  Sometimes it's hard to get the thoughts into a cohesive mass-----I suppose, baker that I am, I've been mixing and kneading and proofing these thoughts.

This post will center less on Stu and what's happening with him----if you're looking for an update, this isn't it.  This is more a contemplation of my own direction in life----which, of course, has been greatly impacted by this "Stroke of Genius".  It is, by now, a new norm for me to be separated from Stu.  The initial shock and grief have been processed, to a livable degree, at least.  I've always depended on God to make the big moves for me----and always I am surprised at the way He does it!

So, the other day I was inspired to sit next to my friend Lori at church, and she shared something that got me thinking----maybe it will do the same for you.  She told me about a book called "My One Word", also a website http://myoneword.org  in which you choose one word to contemplate for the year.  Seriously, right up my alley!   All the way home, I was brainstorming words:  ENERGIZE.......HATCH.......OPEN.....GENEROUS........FEARLESS.......EMERGE........TRUST....COMMUNITY

By the time I got home and was able to check out the website, the pump was already primed.  Living water was circulating!   I knew that just the experience of asking for a word for the year was a gift.   ASK.....was that it?

For a person like me who revels in words, narrowing it down to just one is a worthy discipline.  WORTH?  DISCIPLINE?   No, the bell was still not ringing.

I went to my journal, refreshing my memory about what has been stirring in my soul.  REFRESH?   FRESH?  Nope.  (Are you laughing yet?  I am.....LAUGH?  No... LOL....o.k., back to the subject)

Here is what I found.  And I share it with you because, really, my journey is your journey too.  We are fellow travelers.
         "As I reflect on the past few years, one theme that emerges is "strengthening".  Everything that has happened  has systematically removed old crutches and idols, and replaced them with living faith.  Slowly but surely, my old, rocky acreage is being transformed.  Hiding underneath many of those "rocks" has been a core of shame (sometimes shame is so shameful you're ashamed to recognize it for what it is!).  I can see it quite clearly right now, as if there are two of me.....one who stands safe and sure in your love, Lord, and one who is hurt and damaged and identifies with the shame.  Flinches at the implication of worthlessness.  So many years I spent, living in the shadow of Stu's complexity.  I unconsciously preferred that to trusting You, Lord.  I could not have even known what trust looked like if You had not taken me by the hand.
      Now I am experiencing a different "covering", and under it I am hearing a different message----or maybe it's that my ears are not as plugged, and I can hear more clearly a Voice that has been calling me all along.  As I think it through, I can see that I am only scratching the surface of this issue----but even so, my chest is expanding with new air.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I come back again to the foundational stone that is being firmly established----that I am your workmanship,  not dependent on the approval of men, holy and blameless in  your sight, beloved, considered precious enough to die for.  In other words, my soul has great worth in Your eyes, not because of my good works or my connection to any other person.  My worth has everything to do with my connection to You, which you have been strengthening.  And out of that amazing relationship comes a joyful outpouring of love and concern for my fellow travelers! May that grow ever stronger in me, Lord.  All of my scribblings here are efforts to describe and rehearse that one truth"
      When I consider what it is that strengthens me, I can see that it is Your Word.  "There is no room in love for fear.  Well-formed love banishes fear" 1 John, 4:17, the Message.  I find my heart crying out "I want to be sane!"  That is my one request.  All around me are forces, dark ones that  I don't understand, compelling forces-----and often I feel an answering force within me that agrees with those dark forces.  Resisting those dark forces is the holiest thing I do.  But there is no way to resist in my own strength.  My greatest asset is my "YES", and I say it now to You, Lord.  Exclusively and with all my will, I say Yes, Lord.  Thy will be done.  Now and forever" (end of journal entry)

"Whatever God has promised gets stamped with the Yes of Jesus.  In him, this is what we preach and pray: the great Amen, God's Yes and our Yes together; gloriously evident.  God affirms us, making us a sure thing in Christ, putting his Yes within us.  By his spirit he has stamped us with his eternal pledge----a sure beginning of what he has destined to complete"  2 Cor. 1:20-22, The Message

There is more in the journal----much more.  But this is already a long read, and I have brought you to my word for the year.  It is "YES".  I look forward to exploring its implications and power in future posts.
For now, my bakery is calling my name----and I think I must say "YES" to it!

Until next time!

Sue

Paradox

Pen and ink sketch, by Stu Mendelson

Quite a few years ago, Stu and I  chose this image and quote for our yearly holiday greeting.   Not what you might expect in your mailbox----we commented even then that you don't usually get a picture of a guy wading through the sewers of Paris carrying an injured man on his back as a Christmas card.  But you know, as the years have unfolded, the thought expressed here resonates.  In light of Stu's stroke, it is even more poignant.  So I share it with you this season, by Stu's request.

I'm grateful for this blog, where I jot down all the ups and downs of our story as we go along-------this holiday season, for me,  has been full of baking and gift-making and celebrating with friends and family.   At the same time, I am never far from remembering the paradoxical truth, that there is light to be found, even in dark places.  I recently received this reminder from a writer I admire, David Roper, (it was actually written by his wife, Carolyn.  Both of them have been an encouragement to me through their writing)  and I pass it along to you here:

Carolyn wrote this as one of her "Morning by Morning" meditations. Thought you'd appreciate it…

Morning by Morning

12.14.12

An Exceptionally Good Christmas

"I think we're going to have an exceptionally good Christmas."

If I had written these words I would probably have been thinking that our family would all be together for a white Christmas. I would probably imagine that well ahead of time all the cards had been mailed, all the preparations made and everything would be "just so." We would have a brightly lit tree and lovely red and green decorations, filling my heart with good memories. There would be the just-right presents to bring delight and joy to each one. There would be singing and laughing, playing games and a festive meal, with everyone decked out in their Christmas finery and caring for one another.  And I would find a fresh way to present the Christmas story at just the right time, which would be meaningful to all. There would be no worries, no loneliness, no health issues, no one missing from our family circle, either spacially or emotionally. At our house Evie would be singing "Come On Ring Those Bells" to welcome everyone in!

"I think we're going to have an exceptionally good Christmas."

Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote those words to his fiancée while he was isolated in a dark, cruel Germany prison as World War 2 was raging. He went on to explain:

"The very fact that every outward circumstance precludes our making provision for it will show whether we can be content with what is truly essential. I used to be very fond of thinking up and buying presents, but now that we have nothing to give, the gift God gave us in the birth of Christ will seem all the more glorious, the emptier our hands, the better we understand what Luther meant by his dying words: "We're beggars: it's true." The poorer our quarters, the more clearly we perceive that our hearts should be Christ's home on earth."

Letter to fiancée Maria von Wedemeyer, December 1, 1943

Because of God's priceless gift of His Son, may each of us have an exceptionally good Christmas, content with what is truly essential. Content whatever our Christmas looks like this year.

Blessings,

Carolyn Roper

The selection from Bonhoeffer comes from the work, God Is in the Manger: Reflections on Advent and Christmas; compiled by Jana Riess.

Finally, friends, just to complete the paradoxical theme, I include this fun photo of Stu

May your Christmas season be full of the joy that Christ brings!

 

                    

Giving Thanks

Who Knew?!

                                                   
Got a chance to take pictures today of Stu standing with his therapist, Dale.

Pretty heartwarming, isn't it?

Last time I saw this, it brought a scripture to mind, from Ephesians 6:13-14  I remembered
noticing that in that passage, in my NIV translation, the word "stand" appeared three times in just two sentences.  "Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm, then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace". 

Here's what I jotted down in my journal that day:

"As I read through Ephesians, with all the standing references, I wonder if, in a way, our souls are as weak as Stu's body-----if the Holy Spirit is our "Dale", energetic and encouraging, wrapping the belt around our middle and reminding us that we do indeed have strength in our muscles to stand.  Like Stu, we are only able to do it for short periods at first-----but more and more with His help"

Praying that as we are strengthened and encouraged by God's work in us, we will stand tall and give thanks with joy!

Happy Thanksgiving, Friends!!

Standing on the Promises of God

Last night, before Stu and I headed over for our weekly "date" at NewSong church for their Wednesday Bible Study, Stu's therapist bounded into the room and said "I'm glad you're here a little early-----I have something to show you." Dale, his name is, and his already upbeat personality was even more so.  Two of the CNA's stopped what they were doing and joined us, as interested as I was.  "I heard about this", remarked Heather.  "Me, too" said Jackie.

"Ready, Stu?"  Dale had already wrapped a gait belt around Stu's middle, and as we watched,  Stu and Dale went through a little performance----something they had obviously been practicing together for a while.  "One, two, three....up"  For the first time in over a year, I was seeing Stu sit up on the side of the bed.  "O.k., Stu, do some warm-ups"---Stu obediently bent forward and then straightened, to the count of ten.  He has not been able to do  anything like that since the stroke-----that was in March, 2011!

And then I watched Stu stand up, using the muscles in his own legs.  Dale helped, Dale steadied him----but it was Stu who was standing. 

My eyes filled with tears.  Who would have predicted it?   Perhaps there is mercy in a slow-release miracle----and perhaps more glory to God.   I thought over all the months of grief and sorrow, the crushing of very understandable hopes, the faith that endured, the wisdom that has flourished-----and my heart filled with indescribable gratitude for its effect on both of us.  I am seeing a kinder, gentler Stu these days----this new ability to stand is infinitely less miraculous than the change I see in his heart and attitude.  And  the story has affected me deeply,  drilling down to my very core----I hope this post conveys just a little of the wonder of this unlikely path we're on.  Paradox and mystery-----the theme continues!

Meanwhile, our association with NewSong church has blossomed over the past few weeks----I've been so encouraged that Stu has continued to go on Sundays, escorted by Aaron and treated to donuts, coffee and kindness from everyone.  This leaves me free to stay connected at our home church, Lumen Dei, but still join Stu on Wednesdays for the Bible study.

And, after a full and rigorous four months at Grower's Market, I made the decision to let the last weekend in October be my final one for the season.  I am cultivating my facebook page, (under Studabakers-Bakery!! on Facebook) where I post weekly updates and photos and take orders-----Lord willing, that will sustain me over the winter months until the weather is again settled enough to set up my tent again :-)

I'll keep you posted as we go along----I have a Thanksgiving blog brewing in my head right now, but I think this is enough for the time being.

Until next time

Blessings from Sue and Stu

Stu's Prayer

This afternoon, Stu told me about a prayer he had prayed recently.
He said he had been gripped by a thought about what might happen to him in the future.
"What if I die homeless?"  is how he put it to me. 
Unlikely as it might be, the thought had teeth, and it worried him without mercy, as such thoughts do.
He tells me he prayed a specific prayer.
"Lord"  he said "please send me a sign that there are people who will love me and take care of me".

This morning, he tells me he got the answer to that prayer, in no uncertain terms.
In the first place, one of the kind men from NewSong, the church next door, offered to escort Stu over there for the Sunday service.
To multiply the blessing, our son-in-law Jerome and Rachel decided they'd like to join him at the service, too.  They've been thinking along those lines for a couple of weeks, but it's interesting to me that today was the day they decided to follow through.

This afternoon, as I visited with him, I listened to the way it impacted him.  Glad I was wearing an absorbent scarf-----when my grateful tears started to flow, I needed it.(I did find some Kleenex when it was time to blow my nose :-)  Ha!

"Sue, it was so wonderful.  Aaron came over a little after 9:30, and he walked over with me and helped me with my wheelchair.  And then his wife Angie brought me a doughnut and a cup of coffee.  That doughnut was so good, Sue.  God just let me enjoy it.  And Angie brushed the crumbs off of me, just like you would.  She was so kind."  He went on to mention several other people who greeted him and welcomed him, and was obviously heartened by their warmth. 
"Then," he said, "when the service started, I was sitting right where we sit when you come on Wednesday, and we were singing a wonderful song about God's glory, when I felt a hand on my shoulder, and it was Jerome!  And right to my right was Shayna, with the sweetest smile.  I started crying then.  But I really started crying when I saw Rachel.  She told me they wanted to come and join me at church, and I knew it was God answering my prayer"

Well......the story stands all by itself.  But I wonder if you will stay and look at it with me for just a minute, to appreciate the layers of meaning in it.  Because this was not just one man's prayer that affected one man.   And really, because of God's nature, every prayer is multi-layered and reverberating.    In this one small example, a prayer of my own was acknowledged.  I am always praying that Stu will experience God's love without me as a "middleman".   The more he takes his own steps of faith, the more he owns it.   And I would say that God was encouraging Aaron and Angie and the other folks at NewSong as they ministered to Stu;  likewise,  Rachel and Jerome.  I think of the impact that such events have on my grandkids, and my imagination is not big enough to contain the depth of it.  And then there is the staff at the nursing home, seeing  the story play out.  And the other members of the church.......are you with me?  It opens up your mind to vast possibilities, doesn't it?   And you know, friends, I would say that the power of prayer is in that opening up of our minds to the Greatest Mind, the Creator.  When we get a glimpse of who he is, worry and fear are eclipsed by the wonder of his goodness.   My own overarching prayer for every one of us is that we would "taste and see that the Lord is good".  

Until next time!

Sue

Power

Many years ago, when I was in my twenties, I went to visit my parents in Big Bear Lake, California.   During my visit, my Dad suggested we take a canoe across the lake to visit a friend on the other side.  I had never rowed before, and I remember  being very gung-ho and wanting to do my part in getting us across that lake.

Big Bear Lake is pretty broad, though.  Halfway across, my arms were aching and I was puffing.  I had to take a break, feeling like I was somehow letting my Dad down.

The next minute I felt a surge of power shooting us across the lake.  The canoe was cutting through the water effortlessly----I looked behind me in the canoe and saw my Dad, smiling and getting us across the lake in no time.  I don't think he had any idea what had been going through my mind-----it was no big deal for him.  But the little picture has stayed etched on my mind ever since.  Whenever I feel like I need to "row as hard as I can",  I take it with a grain of salt.  There's Someone bigger and much better equipped than I am to get me where I need to go :-)

Fast forward to 2012.  
Stu and I are at the little church next door to the nursing home,  enjoying an evening of worship music.  (NewSong is blessed with quite a few excellent musicians, I have noticed, including the pastor!)   The evening is drawing to a close, and by this time I am standing up, behind Stu's wheelchair, my arms around his neck and using his chest as a drum.  We are both singing loudly, but at the same time I am reflecting that in the old days, Stu would have had many sharp criticisms of the music, the people, the church, the community----you name it, he would have had something to say about it.   So much of that has melted away since the stroke!  A miracle!    In those days, I often despaired of ever being able to share with Stu the sweetness of just enjoying and loving God's people, singing with them, praying with them, caring about them, worshiping our Father together.   I tried, sometimes, to find some way to cross that gulf myself----to row across that "lake".  Lake Skeptic, you might say!   But my efforts always failed.  I was forced to stop trying.  And in the not trying.....in the surrender (an ongoing surrender, I must tell you) .....I feel the surge of power.  I feel great Shoulders at work, navigating waters I can't understand,  and I take a big, deep breath of relief.  I know He will smile when I feel ready to row again, and maybe even give me pointers on doing it better-----but our destination doesn't depend on me.  He just gives me the sense of participation because............He's my Dad, and every good Dad loves to include and encourage his kids

I think the following passage, from Paul's letter to the Ephesians, illustrates God's character and his relationship with us.  Notice that it is a power that originates with God, but is shared and nurtured in us by Him:
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
     Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to the power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."   Eph. 3: 16-21